From that day when I couldn’t wake up and missed my flight, furthermore, losing the opportunity to work for one year in New Zealand, I’m spending time like the scum of the earth. Waking up late in the afternoon, taking the shower, having late lunch, having late dinner, writing my post, and getting sleepy, and any other time is smoking with friends of the guesthouse in Bogota. It is difficult for me who I lost one year’s plan overnight, to draw up a new one year’s plan from now, I don’t have any motivation to do it and furthermore, I don’t have any cash and I can’t pay anything because of my cashing limit of my credit card is almost full until 10th of June and I can’t withdraw anything until that time.
I’m really sure that the goal, the plan or the dream are the most important things for living my life, and if I don’t have it, I don’t need to wake up early, I don’t need to do anything, I waste a lot of time aimless and no matter how much I sleep, I stay sleepy as right now.
No matter what I do or no matter who I meet, I’m exactly empty and thinking of something else but I don’t know what I’m thinking. Using terrible internet connection , watching FB timelines and wasting a lot of time even though, nothing happens if I read friend’s post and I really understand it.
How much do I have exactly?
Where do I want to go?
What should I do now?
How much do I need to do it?
It seems that I’m thinking about it but I am not thinking about it seriously and I succumb temptation again and today also will pass without something to do for my better life.
So, What exactly do I want to do from now?
I wanted to write my new book in English by my own words. That’s why, I have been in Australia, Philippine, and Canada where the English-speaking world is and I was also supposed to go to New Zealand for one year. But, because I missed the flight, I lost that opportunity and I’m empty with nothing to do in Bogota where is a Spanish-speaking world and I don’t know why I’m here.
Of course, I really know that It is helpless to give up that goal because of my oversleeping but I think that the problem that faces me now is more serious.
In fact, I haven’t drawn a portrait on the streets from last October. Of course, there are some reasons why I haven’t done that, I was in Whistler ski resort and there was a lot of snow, I started to write a website and I spent a lot of time posting something every week, I had 2 jobs until the end of spring and I was also interested in snowboarding.
But if I really want to do it, I could do it in Gondola where I can meet a lot of new people and the weather doesn’t matter there and I was also in Vancouver after Whistler and I had a lot of free time but I couldn’t do it. Furthermore, I’m in Colombia and I don’t have a plan now, but it is troublesome to take a step forward to sit down on the street, meet new people and draw their portrait.
I think the reason why I had changed my mind about it is my language skill first, That’s why it is troublesome to meet new people, having a good time and making them happy from the bottom of their heart. But I also think that I have a bigger problem than it; in the bottom of my heart and It seems to be bigger day and I feel overwhelmed by it at any moment.
When I was 20 years old, I started to draw the portraits on the street because I was bored at my apartment. It was just killing time at that time and I was just glad to meet a lot of new people because of it. But I never expected to continue it. 12 years passed since that time, I published 3 books by myself during those years, the thing which was just killing time became the main job of my life, I reset the next goal again and again, and then I lost sight of when I can get me out of that kind of life where I keep drawing portraits on the street.
The most important part of this problem is the portrait. I keep drawing a lot of people for 12 years but it is still not good and it hasn’t improved in those years and I still don’t know whether the portrait makes them happy or not.
It was OK when I was in my twenties because I was full of youth to keep going on my own way even if all the people except me criticized me, I actually had met a lot of older people than my age of that time who were cheering my dream, everybody was surprised if I said that I have traveled around the world at that time and I had some misunderstanding that I’m doing something that nobody can do except me.
But today when I already turned 32, every friend from my hometown got married and is having babies or they reached their goals, became some professional on their way, but I still keep drawing dissimilar portraits, keep chasing this childish dream while sitting on the streets and furthermore, it is not so special to go traveling around the world because there are a lot of cheap flights and we have smartphones and wifi today.
Also, Almost all the people who I met on the street today are younger than me, they have a beautiful skill or a lot of shining dreams and every time when I heard their good skill or dream, I feel miserable about me because I still can’t draw their good portrait, I still can’t even speak English well and I also can’t make enough money even though , I have been going the same way for 12 years.
So, What I want to say is that I’m very worried about my future. Of course, I don’t regret my way which I have a lead until now but instead, I really appreciate my life because of that, I could travel in 33 countries, I could open my bar in Tokyo and I could meet over 20,000 people + you. Also It doesn’t mean that I want to give up my career in writing and I will definitely write my next book in English no matter what happens, but I’m in no mood to draw portraits and I’m in no mood even to meet new people at this moment and I really don’t know why I have thoughts like this..
Anyway, What I want to say finally is that it’s no use saying negative words over and over without some action but I finally tried to sit on the street to draw portraits for the first time since last September.
It’s just my imagination!
All negative things that I mentioned above were just caused by a chain of accidents and times I couldn’t sit on the street for 6 months and in this time, I would become friends with a lot of good people if I just kept doing it like I did for 12 years.
The weather in Bogota remains as unsettled as ever and that day was blowing hard and very cold but I sat down on the street for 3hours. During that time, I held my stuff down from the being blown away by the violent wind.
As a result…
I got my portrait.
Conversationally, he drew my portrait better than me and nobody came after him in the end.
“I keep drawing portraits on the street for 30 years.”
After he said that, he put COP1000 (US$ 30¢) and disappeared into the crowd.
There’s nothing different between 30 years and 12 years…
It was too rude but I thought it.
to be continued…